I haven’t been paying attention to my mind. I’ve been studying the way a diabetic should eat, monitor their glucose, exercise, get various health checkups, but I have not given my thoughts much thought.
I’ve been too busy rebuilding my home, restoring my health, that I didn’t take the time out to restore my mind. I remember vividly, a day in January when I looked in the mirror at myself. I didn’t look at my hair, or pass myself, I mean I looked at all of me–and I loved her. I loved the imagine that was reflected in the mirror and the smile that I gave myself back. I took a moment to realize that I was in my dream job, had the loving husband I’d prayed for, a nice home, a getting-in-shape body, and love ones who cared deeply for me. Heck, I was blessed. And, it felt so good to honor that. To see that there was a day after the storm of low self-esteem, after writing the dissertation, after longing for a husband, after doubting myself. In short, I made time to be happy.
Even though, I was over 200lbs-I was happy that I was in the gym five days a week, even though I was feeling lost learning how to be a professor at a new university-I was happy to have my job, even though I didn’t own a home-I was happy to have a nice apartment, even though I didn’t have sofa-I was happy to have the very used loveseat, even though I didn’t have more than 400.00 in savings-I was happy that I could make it from one payday to the next. Even in the midst of those things, I was happy because I realized I was blessed.
Yes, I remember that day vividly.
And then. Over the next three months, the “and thens” happened. Then, my vision went blurry. Then, I ended up in between the sickbed and the deathbed. Then, I was learning how to give myself shots twice a day. Then, I’m crying more than I’m laughing. Then, the 400.00 I had in savings was spent on medication and doctors’ visits. Then, I was back in credit card debt because I had more medical expenses than money. Then, I came home to discover, I no longer had a home. Then, the bra I had on was the only one that I owned. Then, all my clothes could fit into one bag and I was getting them washed for free at Tide Loads of Hope. Then, I was living in a hotel for three weeks. Then, my mom and grandma carried me because I was so torn that I couldn’t even dream of being the person I was just a few months ago.
I took a big drop. I fell from a mountain and the only thing I could do is allow the Lord to be my rock and shelter me. People said that I was blessed and I couldn’t see how.
Since then, I have been working to restore and rebuild physically, but my emotional health has been neglected. So, for the past few weeks (during the time between my last entry and this one), I’ve been paying my state of mind more attention. I realize more and more each day that I’m going to have to exercise my mind to produce good thoughts because it is the most important muscle. For as a man thinks, so is he.
So this morning, I’m asking myself a few questions… How can I not be happy when I think about the fact that I wasn’t there when the tornado destroyed my home? How can I not be happy when I think about the phone call I made to my mom at the doctor’s office when she said to go to the Emergency Room because you need more help than that doctor is giving you? How can I not be happy when I have friends who gathered together to give me assistance in the midst of my crisis? How can I not be happy when I think about the five visitors that came to spend time with me during the six days I was in the hospital-sure five visitors ain’t twenty, but it sure beats zero? How can I not be happy that I had health insurance when I got sick, because I didn’t have it just two months prior? How can I not be happy that I’m here, that I’m still standing, that I’m battered and bruised, but here? How can I not look at my limbs and be happy that I still yet have them because some diabetics don’t? How can I not be happy when I think about the fact that I haven’t missed a meal even when I didn’t have a kitchen?
And the biggest question I’m asking myself today is, how can I not go look in the mirror and see that I’m blessed? How can I not look at myself in the mirror, as the new woman than I am, and love her the same way I loved her back in January before all of these things? How can I not love her even more because she has weathered some crazy circumstances and yet she is still standing? How can I not give honor where honor is do-God has me here for a reason? How can I not realize that when I look to the hills where ALL my help comes from and realize that once I see how blessed I am, then I am already in a place of happiness!
I’m off to do that right now… (how about you?)